Self-Abandonment: Are you doing it?
Hot take: I think we’re all starving and perhaps not feeding ourselves.
I’d venture to guess that plenty of us go about our daily lives malnourished. Mind you, I’m referring to a hunger not easily diagnosed, an insidious emotional pain.
It’s not the pangs you experience after having skipped lunch, that of food or malnutrition, but rather an emotional starvation regarding our psychological well-being.
The symptoms are subtle, barely noticeable, yet pay close attention and you’ll see the signs.
“I didn’t want to do it, but I went along with it anyway.”
“I didn’t want to speak up because I was worried about what they’d say.”
“I have a hard time asking for what I need.”
I’ve heard variations on these statements so frequently that I wonder how many of us are abandoning our own needs when perhaps we could be living a more fulfilled life.
What is Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment isn’t in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (see: DSM or therapists bible) and your general practitioner might seem puzzled if you ask about it, but it’s a very real thing.
You’ve probably seen it on display in friends and family, or even engaged in it yourself on occasion. It’s a behavior learned during childhood and adolescence; somewhere along the way we learned that our needs weren’t as important as those around us.
Maybe our parents were busy with high stress careers and so as children we committed to help around the house but also avoided asking for what we wanted. Or perhaps siblings or peers needed so much help that we didn’t feel there was room to share our needs.
Self-abandonment adapts as we mature into adulthood. Maybe you know a coworker who takes on several projects and can’t say “no”, or the aunt who neglects sleep in favor of meticulously preparing the upcoming Thanksgiving meal. Or maybe you avoid asking your bae for more quality time because you’d rather not upset them.
We may tell ourselves “I don’t want to burden others,” or “this is too big for someone to handle.”
You’ve probably heard or dropped the occasional self-abandoning statement too.
“It’s fine.”
“I’m okay”
“No worries”
These are common platitudes from the self-starved person. But hiding behind altruism may be someone neglecting their true needs and values, convincing both themselves and others that help isn’t necessary, while going without.
The Side-Effects of Self-Abandonment
A common side effect of self-abandonment is the adverse impact had on our mental health, specifically our self-esteem. When we’ve internalized that our needs can’t and shouldn’t be met, the end result is a life wherein our emotional wants remain unsatisfied.
By failing to address our own needs, we fail to further develop contentment with our relationships. Satisfying emotional intimacy with family and loved ones remains thwarted.
Sadly, this means our deepest selves remain hidden to others, preventing us from being our complete selves as we hide behind masks of competency and dogged independence.
Consequently, we may not feel close to those who care most about us, and might find ourselves questioning our worth or our place among others. As we make ourselves smaller, we may begin to doubt that we’ll ever be afforded opportunities to be included, wanted, and fully seen.
In short, we stop enjoying our daily experiences, our relationships, and may feel depressed as we are further disconnected from our true selves.
Help, I’ve Self-Abandoned! What can I do?
If you feel called out or personally attacked, don’t worry. It’s okay. When we’ve reached the point where we no longer want to self-abandon we often don’t know where to start or what to do.
Correcting a lifelong pattern of refusing our emotional needs requires plenty of time, effort, and patience. It’s hard work, but we can improve our ability to recognize when we’re self-denying and correct course as needed.
A first step might involve seeing a mental health professional. Seeing a therapist might help you to do the following:
Identify your needs: We all have different needs from hobbies and types of friendships to the careers best suited to our personalities. Therapy can help you clarify which needs and values help you feel most fulfilled.
Know your limits: As much as we’d like to think we’re Wonder Woman or Superman (personally I’m a Batman fan), the truth is that we’re not. So that means acknowledging and accepting our own limitations. Sometimes healthy maturity means recognizing that there’s a maximum to what we can contribute or accomplish.
Communicate your needs and boundaries: Sometimes we have to practice saying “no,” or develop the skill of compromise or find alternatives that best respect what we need. Therapy can be a place where you practice saying “no” in a safe space without fear of judgment or criticism.
Nix “people pleasing” behaviors: Saying “yes” to others doesn’t always serve our best interests. Saying “no” to a request doesn’t mean we’re headed toward conflict. You can remember that not all conflict is bad. Facing conflict can be a moment for continued growth or strengthening a relationship if you allow it!
Like any pattern of behavior, self-abandonment can be changed. You don’t have to remain stuck in unhealthy patterns.
At the heart of self-abandonment are patterns of self-sacrifice and eventual emotional self-neglect that end up making yourself the smallest person in the room.
But what would it be like for you to receive the help you needed because you spoke up and asked? How might it feel for you to embrace bravery and say “no” out of respect for your own values? Is it possible you’d live a more fulfilled life if you advocated for yourself and asserted your needs?
Depression therapy can help you improve your ability to recognize our limits, identify your own needs, and begin to address them.
By saying yes to you, you remind yourself that you do, in fact, matter; you don’t have to starve, and perhaps if you connect with yourself, you can live a life that feels a little more full each day.
