Let Healthy Relationships Help Your Healing Process
You are invested in your healing. Counseling, self-help books and self-care are all important in your personal journey. But one often overlooked piece of the process is how healing happens in relationships.
Our hurts did not occur in a vacuum. Most likely, they originated either from other people, or the absence of people. It makes sense then, that healing within a community can sooth our relation wounds. For example, if boundaries were disrespected by others repeatedly, then repeated experiences of having our boundaries honored can be new and comforting.
Many BIPOC and Queer therapists are educating folks on community healing as a larger scale healing process. BIPOC academic leaders have talked about community care for decades, stating that it is just as important as individual healing.
You can you make community care part of your own healing process.
Why is it important to heal within a community?
Individual healing focuses on what you need as a person by looking at how you were wounded on an individual level. Your personal experience of being wounded can feel lonely and isolating. Being part of a community allows you to hear other people’s experiences and realize you are not alone. Instead, being part of a group can help your feel valued, empowered, and supported.
What does community healing do for me?
When you aren’t used to being cared for because you’ve always had to care for yourself, receiving kindness from others can feel uncomfortable. A caring community can help you become more comfortable with receiving. Learning to accept kindness, respect, and support from your community can help heal the relationship wounds you carry.
Intersectional experiences can be very powerful, too! You might find that someone’s different experience has elements that are common to yours. There is a safe and comfortable element to being Black at a HBCU or queer in a GSA. And then, there can also be healing in relationships with people whose journey is different from yours, but if you pay attention, you’ll realize the commonalities too. You can feel feel connected by the similar experiences and value how these can play out differently for each of you as well.
The rejection you experienced in the past can leave you feeling like you don’t matter. Traumatic experiences can leave you feeling helpless. When you are a part of a group, your contributions to the group matter. Being a part of a community provides you with opportunities to make a difference. And, your contributions within the group can extend a hand to others who may also be seeking support.
How can I make community healing work for me?
Similar to group therapy, community healing allows you to see that you aren’t alone, others understand, and you are supported regardless of any flaws or past experiences you may have endured. You learn that you are not alone in your experiences, thoughts and feelings, but rather a part of a collective group who may understand and support your experiences through their own. These relationships are healing and help to continue your personal growth as well as the growth of others in the group.
Surround yourself with people that feel safe. Community is one of the most healing aspects to the traumas of racism, homophobia, and transphobia. Allow yourself to be embraced by your communities and allies.
Audre Lorde, a late queer community activist, poet, and deeply moving writer, once quoted, “Without community, there is no liberation”. In order to heal as an individual, one should also heal within their community.
So am I just selfishly using community for my own healing?
Healing from trauma can be an individual journey, but also an act of resiliency within your community. You might have heard the expression “hurt people hurt people.” In the same way, healing fosters healing. You can do the work in your individual therapy, but allowing yourself to be vulnerable and validated by a group creates an immense amount of solidarity with others.
As each individual in a community heals, the community as a whole heals. Your own healing work becomes a part of the greater good.
So if you feel selfish for receiving help from others, and work on becoming more comfortable with being on the receiving end, you aren’t only allowing others to help you heal, but you are playing a part in everyone else’s healing, too!
What if my community isn’t healthy?
Your ability to create safe spaces is important, not only for you but also for many others. You are worthy of taking up space, setting boundaries, and feeling comfortable doing so.
If this means not being around certain people or places, you have every right to honor your needs and change your surroundings. This is not easy. But you are worth of being treated with dignity. Your boundaries deserve to be respected.
Remember your resiliency and strength, as an individual and group. If you need to create your own safe space, do so with intention. You can heal in your personal space but also within your communities. Both are worth committing to. You are never alone when you have community. And in turn, you also get to be a healing agent for others. Healing fosters healing!
What if I don’t have a community?
Stepping out of your comfort zone by meeting new people can feel very intimidating. There exist, however, many groups that would be happy to meet you! If you’re noticing a desire to connect with others, or to have more of a social outlet, start there.
You can join a class that centers on a hobby so that you meet people with similar interests, like a pottery class or a smaller gym that includes some sort of group exercise. Or, seek out an organization centers around your values or identity, like a political action group or an LGBTQ organization.
The key to getting started is to take the first step. It can be a small step! Just remember that no one in the whole wide world knew how to walk perfectly after they took their first step.
It’s all about practice. It’s OK to make mistakes, and you’ll learn along the way. If you are stepping out of your comfort zone, know that you can do this safely. You will feel more confident with each step you take towards you own healing.
Community Resources in Richmond, VA:
We added a list of community resources, care, and local organizations in the greater RVA area. Check out some of these groups. We’ve tried to make this list full of variety so you can find niches you may feel comfortable joining! Are you part of any of them already? Let us know about it in the comments. Did we miss one? Let us know and we’ll add it. Your comment may encourage others to join too!
He She Ze and We: Safe spaces, education and events for trans youth, trans adults, friends and family members.
Body Arc: Queer owned, body positive gym.
Richmond Triangle Players: a local theater group.
Monument City Music: multiple choirs!
Richmond Queer Kinksters
Queer bars such as: Babes, Papi’s, Barcode, Thirsty’s, and Fallout.
McShin Foundation: events around sobriety.
Nationz: community advocacy for HIV and AIDS.
The Book Bar, RVA. Black owned bookstore that throws events for the community.
Tuesday Verses: one of the longest running Open Mic Experience on the East Coast, giving a home to budding and career creatives to express themselves in a place of love
The Safe Space Market: often throws markets for local artists and creatives. They have had DJs and food vendors in various locations in Richmond.
Visual Arts Center of Richmond: offers a great variety of art classes from pottery to filmmaking and everything in between.
River City Knitters: A knitting group for all levels, including early beginners.
The Coalition Theater: teaches improv classes, which are great for connecting with others in a non-judgmental way and getting “out of your head.”
River City Sports and Social Club: a variety of fun sport leagues for everyone.
CLUBWAKA: sport leagues geared toward helping people socialize.
Sports Center of Richmond (SCOR): join an adult soccer league!
Stonewall Sports: variety of sport leagues for people who identify as LGBTQ.
Unity Church: an inclusive church.
Richmond Hill: a retreat center and intentional community committed to racial healing, prayer, hospitality, and spiritual development.
First Unitarian Universalist Church: an inclusive place of spirituality.
Richmond Harm Reduction: a place to volunteer and get services for people who use drugs.
Latinos En Virginia: volunteer opportunities at this center helping Latinos who have been victims of violence.
Virginia Hispanic Foundation: fun volunteer opportunities to support the Latino community in RVA.
Jen Zegan-Lister is a resident in counseling in Richmond, VA. She works primarily with folks who are experiencing overwhelming feelings of depression, anxiety or the effects of traumatic experiences. If you would like to find out more or to schedule an appointment with a therapist in RVA, don’t hesitate to contact us!
Click here for more information on Depression Therapy.