Telling Children About Divorce (Part 2)
In Getting Divorced? Telling Children About Divorce Part I, lists the first five suggestions for telling children about divorce. In Part II, I will share with you another five suggestions that will help your children process the upcoming changes in the most healthy way possible.
How to tell your children about the divorce
Following are some more suggestions for getting through this difficult conversation as gently as possible:
Listen
Your children will have a lot of feelings about your announcement, and expressing those feelings will help them cope. Listen to what they have to say and try to understand what concerns lie behind the words. It may not be easy to hear, but this is valuable information for you as you move your family in a new direction.
Provide a Sense of Control
Your children have to come to terms with the fact that they have no say over much of the situation. Allowing them to make some decisions restores a sense of control. Provide them with a few options like what to have for dinner, or what fun activity to do. But make sure those choices do not involve choosing between you and your partner.
Don’t Tell and Forget
It may not be something you want to return to, but be aware that your kids can’t just get on with their reordered lives. Your divorce is a huge event in their lives and you may need to answer the same questions repeatedly and offer reassurance as often as they need it. This doesn’t mean you should obsess about the divorce, but be open to signs that your kids need to talk about it again.
Make the Announcement, Then Get On With It
You can’t control the timing of every aspect of a divorce, but once your kids know what’s coming, it’s kindest to complete the divorce and make your new living arrangements as soon as possible so they aren’t left with one foot in their old life and one in the new.
Don’t Over-promise
Your first reaction as a parent will likely be to try to comfort your children, but if you tell them everything will be great you’ll be lying. Things will be awkward and even painful for a while. You can reassure them that you will all get through this change by working together and that you and your spouse will always have their best interests at heart.
Remember that you chose to divorce because you believe this decision will improve the lives of your kids. Your children will struggle to understand this. They may blame you, and most likely exhibit some difficult behaviors. Be patient, stay consistent with your responses, and allow them space to process these changes. What's most important is not their circumstance, but how you respond to it.
If your child is struggling to process the effects of divorce — or if you need support in helping your child — consider enlisting a Play Therapist. LaunchPad is a counseling practice in Richmond, VA, that helps children use their inner resources to overcome stressful circumstances. Contact us to learn more about child counseling.
